We're All Mad Here. I'm Mad. You're Mad.

(Not being dramatic, I’m just being real. Not looking for anything, it’s just how I feel.)

I fear for my sanity once I’ve left this place. The past four years I’ve spent fighting off demons and constructing a sense of self that I can accept, that I can love. And I try everyday to maintain face, to see the silver linings, and to stick to my honest belief that things will always balance themselves out in the end. But when the shit just keeps piling up, it gets harder and harder to see the beauty in things. I lose myself as I am sucked into that same world I tried to escape.

And I can’t avoid forever. 

If being home taught me one thing, it’s that that I have no idea where I ought to be. But I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to be there. The most emotionally taxing place I could be. But it’s also where I need to be—for more reasons than one.

I give them credit, things are much improved. I know I have a family now. But I’m sick of being the sanest one whilst I myself am teetering on the brink of insanity. I can’t afford anything else, but that house is poison.

Vassar gave me something real something that was mine something that I could hold onto. But what now, now that its gone? Spilled out in the world unprepared and unable to pave my own way.

I can’t avoid it forever.

Tomorrow always comes. And if I want to break out of this toxic life I need to take hold, I need to be proactive. But with these feelings and with these tears I can hardly stand let alone have the confidence to do something on my own

But I can’t let this life turn me into sarah. Can’t let it turn me into my mother. I can’t let my life come to a halt. Because this is it. There’s nothing to wait for. No more evading reality. It’s time to see, will I sink or will I swim?

this precarious home/family/life situation has me in a total headspin. it can take a lot to get through a week here. I love my mother and sister infinitely but they’re in the same headspace as I am. The three of us together, I don’t know how we get anything done. Me? I avoid reality. shut myself in my room to sleep way too much, write in my journal, watch movies and essentially do nothing that has any meaning or bearing on my life. They’re the same. different room, different shows, same gut-wrenching anxiety and feeling of powerlessness. How long can we go on like this?

so often it feels like we must live downwind from the bullshit factory. The stuff we face is absolute bullshit. the jerk-off absent father strangely present and slowly killing himself behind closed doors. the clueless, slowly fading grandparents who have no clue. for years we’ve been rebuilding out of the wreckage of our failing fictional lives. I’m amazed at how far we’ve come. but every day is still a struggle. i see it in their eyes more than anything. Vassar gave me a chance to be something more than this place, but still this place is me. and I wont have Vassar in a couple of months, then where will I be?  

weighing worst this week is our thoughts of my cousin, Noah, who faces terminal cancer. He wont make it to 28. His brother didn’t make it to 21. Having entered hospice care, to ease his way out of this life, Saturday he chose as the date to cut off communications. the last day to say goodbye. I sent him an email, but what even is there to say? I kept it brief, told him how much his story has had an impact on me this last year (less than a year actually) and how much i loved him. It was only a few years ago when he lived with us to try and make it as a bartender in New York. He was studying to be a teacher when he lost everything. I think of him everyday, and we all will until the last fateful day. but even more than that, the thoughts, the doubts, the philosophical mindfuck that comes with this kind of experience- they’re like demons clawing at our backs.

and only time will tell us anything. yesterday was my birthday and along with all of the happy birthday wall posts was one from him.— “Happy Birthday Stacy!!! I hope that you have many glorious birthdays ahead.”— that second sentence hit me with a thud. a heavy dose of reality. my last connection to this “fading wild card.” one thing’s for sure, he’ll stay with me forever. As each of us- my mother, sister and myself- reach crossroads in each of our lives, we think of his wandering soul, his erratic and rocky life, and how it all ended up.  All I can say is, we’ve been doing a lot more thinking than our minds and bodies can handle.

but que sera, sera.

how do i beg for a recommendation in an email while still maintaining my position of power and poise?

and how do i convey desperation without seeming desperate?

can i just write help me obi wan kenobi, you’re my only hope

no, i don’t know what i’m doing after graduation. 

It’s been unusually hard to write. My thoughts are becoming increasingly scrambled. 

I don’t know what I’m doing to myself. I’m afraid to face what’s coming. I block out everything that is real. I’ve spent my entire life avoiding. And now it’s getting harder and harder to find my grip back on reality.

And this is just the time when I really can’t avoid real life.

It’ll all feel okay soon enough. I’m working on it. For the meantime, I’m just staying afloat. 

up all night, got demons to fight

i forgot (once again) that i’d decided to start this back up. but (once again) i’m going to promise to remember it this time. or at least check in to read about you kids.